Part One: Society's Barriers against evil

Sometimes my optimism is a curse. I am often naive and gullible and disappointed when I am proven wrong about people. The other part of me wants to hang on to optimism because it usually serves me well. I started to realize a few years ago that I am practicing mostly Buddhist methodology in my daily life. Well, minus abstaining from cursing and drinking.

Karma is not fate, because we act with free will and creating our own destiny. If we are good, we will receive goodness; if we are evil, we will receive evil. Karma refers to the totality of our actions and its cumulative reactions in this and previous lives, all of which determines our fate. The benefits of karma lie in intelligent action and dispassionate response.

This does not mean that bad things don’t happen to wonderful and good people, this is usually the unfortunate consequence of free will and other people deciding not to follow the right path. I believe that these people who cause harm to others will be dealt with Karmically. I see it happen every day.

The man who killed my friend by driving drunk and high and tried to flee the scene. I wished so many bad things would happen to him. Then I started thinking about how gentle and kind my friend was. He never complained about anything. I had to let go of some of my hate. Two years later I found an old article on a website for a local newspaper had dozens of comments on the article about my friends death. People that knew this man who killed my friend all had terrible things to say about him. I read with awe about this mans life. It was like the opposite of George Bailey. I can’t imagine being that kind of person day in and out. I think he is reaping the karma he deserves. The universe does not embrace him. There is less chance for peace and true happiness if you are too afraid or too selfish.Self protecting mechanisms can blind you to really amazing people and experiences.

I have read Ann Rand and thought a lot about individualism and libertarianism. There are parts that can be gleaned for all of these seemingly opposing ideologies. I was initially resistant to reading the Lucifer principal because the basic theory of inherently evil man bothered me. However as I read it I do see the social groupings, clusters of behaviors be them good or evil. We are all basically animals, some of us are better able to adapt and cope without resorting to base and violent behaviors.

I believe most people are good. I think organized religion and fear does keep a tether on mans behavior and helps create social norms. I personally believe if the only reason you are doing something good is because you don’t want to go to hell ..it is not really a truly good act.

I am going to take a closer look at all of these ideologies and continue with a few more blogs.

Best Cusses While Driving

I am always looking for new and creative ways to swear at drivers who irritate me. I used an oldie but goodie yesterday when a gentleman cut me off in traffic and then had to idle next to me at a red light. I politely told him: EAT A BOWL OF DICKS! OK, I didn't really say it politely, I kind of yelled it. It felt fucking great too! It was not my most creative moment but it was funny when his female passenger looked at me in shock.

There is a weird blip that happens when we are in our cars, we turn into
barbarians, you will say things that you would NEVER say if you were standing in a crowd. My *relative* practically froths at the mouth when she drives..it pretty damn entertaining.

I actually saw my *relative edit* throw a lit cigarette into a car of a yuppie-doofus who cut us off in traffic. I saw another *friend* throw a hand full of pennies at a car that nearly ran us off road.

I have never thrown anything, I get more enjoyment out of yelling because people truly do not expect it from me. ( I look sweet and even demure from far enough away)Proper use of vulgarity is my god given talent. I hope you cut me off in traffic someday so I can show you what Ive got in the arsenal.

Santa Baby

Dear Santa,

I know you read my blog cause I have your ip address there at the north pole. I have been a really good girl this year. OK not really good, but pretty good.

I want a furby pigmy

a forensic microscope

a taser

and a stocked wine cellar

If you could do that I would be ever so grateful.

Love,
Kelly

Why do I live the cliche?

Sometimes I feel like I am missing some important domestic girl genes. For example when I go into a Bed Bath and Beyond I am totally clueless and overwhelemed by the stuff there. I have never bought a curtain in my life, my sisters and cousins pick them out for me. I lke furniture sort of but I dont have that passion that my friends have for decorating my home. There is one thing that makes me feel connected to my girlness.I have an intense and deep love of shoes. I don't buy clothes that often. I spend more money on books than anything else.

OK that is a HUGE lie I just told you.

I spend more money on shoes than anything else. I can't help myself. When I go into a shoe store I feel my heart race, my palms itch and tingle. As I gaze with adoration at the gleaming little jewels. My brain immediately matches them with my clothes and I am in trouble.

In my fantasies I have a custom made walk in shoe closet a la Mariah Carey MTV cribs episode. Shut up, I know godamn well you have seen it too.

Well I guess cliches become cliches for a reason.

Dear Paul 10/14/2007

Paul,
You have been gone for well over a year. I still can't talk about you in the past tense. I still have one email, the last one 2 days before you were killed, in my work email inbox. I may have to stay at this company forever to preserve that last link between us.

I can still close my eyes and instantly see you, smiling and laughing. Lording over me as I drew a flower for your best girl...making me laugh with wicked, vile emails..that I now have memorized.



I still want to talk to you about silly things. What do you think about Amy Winehouse? Discuss with you how much I inexplicably love Les Claypool, you get that...Dylan too. Thanks for remembering me for a moment after you passed, by placing some Cd's I lent you out in plain view on my dresser .I know they were not there the night before.

I am still heartsick, still sore...still trying to find a way to rewind time and erase what was done to take you from all of us.Still missing you.

Love,
Kelly

11/14/08
Two years now and I still miss you. I still have that email in my inbox.We won't ever forget about you sweetheart.

Jenny McCarthy can cure autism

Just ask her, she seems to know that Autism is not genetic. She instead says she has proof that her family cannot detox vaccines? She also states that there is still themerosal in vaccines.

People often ask me what I think about her, and I always say that I am glad she brings attention to Autism. I feel a real connection with her that only another Mother with an autistic child can truly understand. I understand the sweetness of getting those small rewards of shared attention.I know what it is to work day after day to reach in and pull your child out of their small world.I also think she is a wonderful Mother who is clearly attached and devoted to her boy.

Now that Jenny is affiliated with Operation Rescue her statements are bolder and more controversial. In people magazine she said "How can 15 years of anecdotal evidence be wrong?"

Ummm, anecdotal evidence is often unscientific or pseudo scientific because various forms of bias can affect the collection of evidence. When a cause can be easily linked to an effect, people overestimate the likelihood of the cause having that effect. In particular, emotionally-charged anecdotes seem more plausible, and are given greater weight.

I am quoting here from wilkepedia A common way anecdotal evidence becomes unscientific is through fallacious reasoning such as the Post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy, the human tendency to assume that if one event happens after another, then the first must be the cause of the second. Another fallacy involves inductive reasoning. For instance, if an anecdote illustrates a desired conclusion rather than a logical conclusion, it is considered a faulty or hasty generalization.[9] For example, here is anecdotal evidence presented as proof of a desired conclusion:

"There's abundant proof that God exists and is still performing miracles today. Just last week I read about a girl who was dying of cancer. Her whole family went to church and prayed for her, and she was cured."

What about all the parents like me, who have not detoxified our child's diet and environment, but instead have used more traditional treatments like ABA, PT,OT,ST. Wearing your child, using attachment parenting. This is the methodology I use with my 6 year old and he is also making huge gains everyday. About 80% of the time now the fact that he is autistic is not detectable to someone observing him now.

If I were to 100% buy into anecdotal evidence I would say the fact that I wore my son almost all of the time in his first year of life may be the reason he has always been able to attach to me and really should be used for all infants.

I am asked all the time (forgive me for always using my same analogy I am a simple girl). Kelly, do you think autism is genetic?

I think part of it is genetic. I believe there are a few triggers. I believe you must have some genetic predisposition to autism.I believe the other triggers could be environmental, maybe vaccines, maybe a virus.

Pull the lever of the slot machine:(the three cherries still really undefined)

genetic predisposition
toxins
allergy

get 3 cherries and you have Autism and belong to a club you never thought you would join.

I am glad Jenny is bringing a voice to Autism. I wish I could be heard as loudly as she is because if I had access to that publicity there are things I want to share with parents beyond scaring the shit out of them about vaccines.

This is what I want you to know:

The earlier Autism is detected the better. We need to fight for access to intensive early intervention with the most effective treatments. Many states do not have the basic services that have been proven to be necessary for reaching an Autistic child.I would love to work on making people aware of that as my full time job. If anyone wishes to hire me to do this let me know.I am not as hot as Jenny but I am charming as hell.

There are many variations that fall under the Autism umbrella. I would use my publicity to talk about the different behaviors and skills and misconceptions that are currently out there about Autism.

I would address the new SHOCK jock attitude that most Autistic kids are really just spoiled. This is so damaging and really hurts the perceptions that people have.

Early detection is crucial!

Jenny, if you read this I want to have a beer with you and talk about shoes someday.

Ok I am gonna jump off my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.

Suck it autism part deux

My son is now in first grade. When he gets off the bus we usually hang out with all the other parents and kids for a bit, enjoying the day and letting the kids blow off a little steam.

Today my son did something I have never seen him do before. He got off bus and started to run and chase and older boy that he did not know. They spontaneously started a game of tag.

Number one, I have never seen my son without being coerced play any physical type game ever. Two, he rarely used to even look at people he did not know. Three, he is running! Laughing! Yelling! Making eye contact with this kid.

I am standing there with tears running down my face. I flashback to age 2 silent, playing on the floor with his trains. Age 3, reciting dialogue from movies and commercials but rarely having meaningful conversations.

Now, handsome and engaging he seeks out other children to play. He is blooming slowly but this is one blossom worth waiting for.

Debates... Yawn

I watched the debates mainly to see if McCain would be able to show some charisma.I already knew that the debates reveal little to nothing about actual platforms and policy. The two candidates cautiously circle each other, frozen smiles in place. Through gritted teeth they try to best their opponent without seeming aggressive. Defend their statements without seeming defensive. They are too careful,too modulated, too fake. Of course nobody wants to be perceived as too emotional a la Howard Dean. Don't be wooden like Al Gore.

My friend tall Kelly is an Obama supporter.I am a McCain supporter. So I asked her who she thought did better and she said "well they both did OK, but I thought Obama was a little better.I told her I thought they both did well but I thought McCain did a little better. Basically this conversation between Kelly's proved to me how useless these debates are.

Then Tall Kelly said she thought they should spice it up, maybe play some games, have some free style rap. I think this is an excellent idea.

Wilkepedia for Muppet lovers

http://muppet.wikia.com


Those who know me are aware i am a tad obssesed with sesame street and muppet characters. This site is fabulous and lists all of the obscure puppets over the years on the show.

summer goals update

I posted these in june

Goals for summer:
Learn to throw a javelin. billy blanks tae bo instead

Learn a new language, or at least be able to talk dirty in another language i learned some dirty phrases

Read a few non medical/nursing books read 5 non medical books

quit smoking AGAIN (I quit for 7 years and started again, because I am stupid)at the moment am not smoking

Go to a vineyard, have never been to one sadly no

create enough painting to have a show somewhere well on my way

be still (this will be the hardest one next to javelin)failure

learn to swing a gold club working on it and can hit the ball straight but only 50 yards

You either get it or you don't

there is no perfect life or perfect place to live,

there are fleeting moments and images, painful and sweet

noticing those notes, smells, tastes and remembering them

attempting to give good karma out into the world..not to achieve total consciousness
but because you just feel right doing so

moments of laughing, yelling, being rebellious and obnoxious,

having people that can hear you even when you won't talk

my own needs are so simple and my rules are too

I want to end each day knowing that if it was my last, my friends would know exactly how I feel about them

I can still be embarrased

I did not think it was possible to make me blush anymore. I used to work with severely mentally challenged adults who would steal coffee, drop trou in public, rip price tags off all the clothing in stores...I handled this all with aplomb.

My three year old daughter accompanied me to David's bridal where I had to be fitted for a bridesmaids dress. If you are familiar with this store when you try on dresses you walk into a public area that has mirrors covering the walls and platforms where you can stand and look at the gown.

As I came out each time in a new dress my daughter would exclaim "Mommy wearing red! Mommy wearing pink!"...after about the 6th gown I came out and stepped on podium next to 2 brides to be in wearing their beautiful potential dresses.

My three year old crowed

"Mommy! Where is your vagina?"...I ignored her and looked around nervously...so far brides ignoring me and her.

MOM WHERE DID YOUR VAGINA GO?

MOMMY IS YOUR VAGINA STILL HERE?

She grabs the gown and pulls it up and climbs under my dress...at this point all the sweet 20 something brides and their Moms are totally listening and looking out of the corners of their eyes at us.

I whisper desperately, "Honey it is still there, lets not talk about this now ok?"
She is quiet for a moment and smiles up at me.

I start to relax and she follows me into my changing room. I take off the gown and I am whispering to her. "Honey we need to be quiet in front of all the ladies ok?"

She decided this would be a good time to leave the changing room and flings the door open as I stand there in a bra and panties. She turns and looks at me and yells

"Mommy there is your vagina, and your tattoo!"


Nice...blushing as I see the fleeting glances of the horrified women ..I manage to dress quickly and grab my girl's hand and retreat from the store.

Viva La Drag Queen!

I saw a great Drag Cabaret Show in Boston last night.The over exaggeration of all that is feminine plus their long limbs and wide shoulders gives the drag queen a kind of fierce, in your face beauty.
They move their limbs in a liquid and sexual way, much more so than a girl would need to. Everything is amped up, color contacts, fake eyelashes,glitter, paint, red lips.
I resent the time it takes to apply my mascara. Every day I take my femininity for granted even when I am strident in my berks and hoodie.

It is obvious why certain female pop stars like Cher, Whitney, Brittany who emulate this exaggerated femininity are iconoclastic. One thing I am interested in is why heterosexual women love drag queens so much? I joked with my girlfriends about my confusing feelings when the Britney queen came by and kissed me. She was beautiful and seductive and fascinating.
We like their boldness, fearlessness and fashion exaggeration because we would never pull off those sequins and rock those stilettos like a 6 foot 5 drag queen can. I am now thinking that Gwen Stefani may actually be a drag queen.

Bad girls, bold girls, girls who are fierce and in your face! I realized as they all came out on the stage singing Lady Marmelade and all of the drunk girls were screaming along this is what we love about them…they are paying us the highest compliment that they possibly can and we love them right back!


Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir all my sisters and me!

My final wishes

Yes just being melodramatic kids..I have had 2 major asthma attacks in 2 weeks that included a lovely trip to the hospital for air. it got me to thinking about my final wishes.

1. Mayor Menino is finally correctly diagnosed with downs syndrome
2. Jeremy Jacobs sells the Bruins to somebody who actually gives a shit about the Stanley Cup
3. I learn to hit the golf ball more than 50 yards
4. I never have to shovel snow..I guess when I am dead that will happen anyways
5. Manscaping is abolished
6. somebody sterilizes Paris Hilton before it is too late
7. one more trip to vegas with a HUGE bag of money

Sista Please!

Please, somebody give this woman a sandwich. She looks like the crypt keeper.

Michael Savage is a giant bag of shit

Michael Savage radio personality, shock jock has made the following declarations about Autism on July 16th:
“Now, you want me to tell you my opinion on autism? … A fraud, a racket.”
Now, the illness du jour is autism. You know what autism is? I’ll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out. That’s what autism is.

What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, “Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.”

Autism — everybody has an illness. If I behaved like a fool, my father called me a fool. And he said to me, “Don’t behave like a fool.” The worst thing he said — “Don’t behave like a fool. Don’t be anybody’s dummy. Don’t sound like an idiot. Don’t act like a girl. Don’t cry.” That’s what I was raised with. That’s what you should raise your children with. Stop with the sensitivity training. You’re turning your son into a girl, and you’re turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men. That’s why we have the politicians we have.

Michael,
You have every right to spew stupid inflammatory bile, but I also have the right to blog about what an uninformed fucktard you are when it comes to Autsim.

You do not deserve to breathe the same air as my autistic child. People like you help spread misinformation and perpetuate the idea that autism is just a behavioral problem. I would think with all of your college education you would have more sense than to say something so moronic.

I do not think you should be taken of air just because you are a blowhard, full of yourself, jackass. I am enjoying watching all of your sponsor's drop you like a steaming turd though. I think we know who the real loser is.

One out of 133 children are now diagnosed with Autism, they could be your sponsor's kids, your bosses kids, your relatives kids.
Karma is one nasty bitch Michael, I will enjoy watching it swing right back into your blustery piehole.

Unwashed Masses

I have discovered some important things about me and theme parks today:

not using valet parking sucks

the unwashed masses are as gross and impolite as you would suspect

nobody is pleasant in 100 degree weather waiting in a line for 80 minutes

there should be a law passed against wearing a two piece when you are more than 30 pounds overweight

I am fully aware I would never survive boot camp, living in a 3rd world country or any reality show.

if you bring your 7 day old newborn to a theme parks on a 100 degree day you should not have been allowed to procreate

Esse es percipi?

Nah, that's bullshit. People perceive what they want to perceive. They drag in all of their own burdens and prejudices. They also sometimes attach wonderful attributes that are totally undeserved. It can make the fall from the pedestal very hard indeed.

I find that some of the people who tell me they are very good at reading people are the least perceptive of all.Most people are complex, especially the ones that crow about how simple they are.If a girl tells you she is simple, run! She thinks she is simple but she is a giant pain in the ass.

Some work hard at exuding a personae, some people never think about such things.A good friend of mine teases me for being so optimistic all the time about people.When I get upset about common sense not being used he says, "Kelly why the hell do you assume people have common sense?" I have no idea why, but I do believe this. I slap this baggage of my own on to others. I believe that people will rise to the occasion when they are given the hope and the chance. I prefer to be disappointed on occasion and give people the benefit of the doubt.

fighting for her rights in her satin tights

Wonder Woman can change her outfit just by spinning around. I can't tell you how many times I tried to do that when I was a little girl only to get dizzy and fall down,still in my keds and garanimal shorts.Then she can lasso you and force you to tell her how hot she is.

I think one of the reasons I like looking at drawings of old pinup girls is the superhero quality that they have. They capture the over the top voluptuousness and powerful femininity of a superhero. As a girl the costumes and accessories are appealing as well. Batman has a car that matches his Bat Suit. There is a bit of dandy in all of the superheroes. The spoofs on Saturday night live The Ambiguously Gay Duo hits the nail right on the head. They are wearing tights and fab belts and boots aren't they? Nobody can accessorize quite like a gay man.

What are you looking at?

"Nothing!"

I Believe In Robot Love

Too much evil

SALEM, Mass. — A woman has been charged with withholding cancer medication from her 8-year-old autistic son, who prosecutors say likely will die because the cancer has returned

There is too much evil in this world. Why do people like this have children? Stories like this fill me with helplessness and useless anger.

There are so many wonderful things about being a parent, we hear about ad nauseum. I want to tell you about the bad thing. It opens and grows your heart leaving it exposed and vulnerable.You start life out with a weak flutter of emotions revolving all around meeting your own needs and desires.

You feel that core splinter into pieces when you first become a parent. All the self absorption rushes out, and you are flooded with overwhelming new feelings.
When children are abused like this it hurts you in this new raw skin.

Tuesday Observations

smoked for 10 years, quit for 7 years
started again about 2 months ago (wicked smaht kelly)
quit again 4.5 days ago

cranky, aggressive, pugnacious
and trying to potty train a 3 year old with an iron will

how will it all turn out?

did you ever see the movie texas chainsaw massacre?
I'm just sayin.

The Muppets as diagnosed by DSM

My friend Rick and I were discussing the assorted mental health issues on Sesame Street and the Muppet Show.

Cookie monster, Bulimia
The Count, OCD
Oscar, Avoidant and Anger management issues
Miss Piggy Borderline Personality Disorder
Gonzo Chicken fetish
Janice, Heroin addict
Grover Dementia
Animal ADHD
Big Bird Retarded and also delusional (he thinks snuphalupagus is real)
Ernie and Bert..I really don't need to even say.

Life on Mars, Prego teens, Compliments

Recent soil samples have shown a PH that indicated the soil on Mars once interacted with water and that the soil is favorable for turnips, asparagus and some bacterias.

They are planning to take another sample in the hopes of finding some carbon.I have always suspected that I am from Mars, perhaps it really is true.

In other news the Gloucester Ma pregnancy pact is still all over the media. Warning of the dangers of unprotected sex? NO..they media is picking at the statements about it being a pregnancy pact. Aren't we focusing on the wrong thing here?

What effing difference does it make if they made a pact or not? 17 children are pregnant..lets use this teachable moment and not squander it into a he said she said debate.

I was paid a compliment today.My cousin told me that I am the most logical person she knows. I am not sure how deserving it is and I am not being modest here. As someone who is dipping her toes into the science world now I am thrilled to be given that compliment since I will truly need that skill.Maybe if I start to believe the hype that will help.

If I was a dude

If I was a dude, I would be Ralph Macchio apparently.

Intolerant Douchebags

For the past 36 years I have made observations about tolerance and discrimination. I have come to some conclusions about how I should deal with intolerance and have leaned much from people who deal with it better and more gracefully than I do.

The most helpful person in my life was my ex boyfriend. He has a prosthetic leg and an amazing calmness and grace when confronted with morons. I would feel my blood boiling and remember him gently putting his hand on my shoulder to calm me down.He never let people staring bother him at all. I also remember some little kids, naturally curious about him at the beach coming up to us and asking him what happened and what his leg was made of. I have a shit memory but I can recall every detail of that day. Him laughing and explaining it to the kids and their total interest and innocent curiosity.

I try very hard to model that grace when I have to deal with intolerance.I still snap sometimes but I am willing to keep working on it.

I am a work in progress these days.

Tuesday Observations

Glucose IV $27
Caramel lollipop $1
Orange juice rush delivered by freaked out friends $2
Gatorade $2
ER copay $100

Not taking a hypoglycemic header at work in high heels, priceless

Insecure Douchebags watch out!

As I get older I get bitchier, more opinionated and a lot more vocal. I have a pet peeve about people mistreating cashiers and clerks and waitresses.
So now that I don't give a shit what most people think of me I have started to say things when I see that happening.

Often I will say loudly "Wow being rude to a cashier, nice"
Or "That is embarrassing to listen to"
I used to work at Liz Claiborne part time when my son was an infant. The customers were usually pretty nice but some of them were really condescending. I was always polite and generally coerced them into buying even more stuff they did not need.I filed away the particular type of insecure jerk who gets off on yelling at people who are not allowed to defend themselves.I now enjoy outing them and shining a light on their doucheness.

Coming, part II Intolerant Douchebags

Carlin

I have seven words for you George. Man are we going to miss you.

Jefferson's Jedi's Autism Speaks

http://www.chrisicreations.com/Awareness.html
The Jefferson Kearney Links Autism Bracelet - Sterling Silver puzzle pieces with Swarovski Cube Crystals $58.00
A portion of the proceeds will be donated to Autism Speaks. (colors and shape of the crystals can be changed)
Also visit our team page
http://www.walknowforautism.org/c.mhLPKZPELmF/b.3616197/siteapps/teampage/ShowPage.aspx?c=mhLPKZPELmF&b=3616197&sid=fmJ1IhPYJnLXKfPXKqG

1 in 150 children is diagnosed with autism
1 in 94 boys is on the autism spectrum
67 children are diagnosed per day
A new case is diagnosed almost every 20 minutes
More children will be diagnosed with autism this year than with AIDS, diabetes & cancer combined
Autism is the fastest-growing serious developmental disability in the U.S.
Autism costs the nation over $35 billion per year, a figure expected to significantly increase in the next decade
Autism receives less than 5% of the research funding of many less prevalent childhood diseases
Boys are four times more likely than girls to have autism
There is no medical detection or cure for autism

Incidence vs. Private Funding
Leukemia: Affects 1 in 25,000 / Funding: $310 million
Muscular Dystrophy: Affects 1 in 20,000 / Funding: $175 million
Pediatric AIDS: Affects 1 in 8,000 / Funding: $394 million
Juvenile Diabetes: Affects 1 in 500 / Funding: $130 million
Autism: Affects 1 in 150 / Funding: $15 million

An Ode to J-Dawg

Little man,

blonde head,

crouched over your star fighter,

roger, roger,

you live inside that ship,

a Jedi..always a good guy,

repeating the comfortable phrases,

I always know what you need me to say,

yes, he is a good guy,

yes, the green light saber,

no baby you are the best Jedi,

he gives me that smile,

beautiful and content,

towhead bending down again

back to work fighting evil

Troublemakers

I was talking to tall Kelly about famous troublemakers. I told her Abbie Hoffman is always the first person that comes to mind. Writer of Steal this book! Which of course people did. Until sellers started refusing to carry the book.

I adore troublemakers! Especially the ones I totally disagree with. They force you out of your own little box you live in and confront new ideas. I admire them not caring that they are ridiculed and slandered for speaking their opinions. It takes a pretty brave person to withstand the media onslaught if you voice an unpopular opinion.

I am fascinated by the intense hatred and media attitudes towards some current personalities. If I say the name Ann Coulter in a room full of people in Boston I usually have to wipe spit off my face because people start frothing at the mouth!The Internet is full of photo shopped pictures of her attempting to make her less attractive. Good luck guys, she is gorgeous and fearless and she is intentionally provoking you!

Bill O Reilly, who really does drive me crazy, also entertains me. Same goes for Keith Oberman. They have a joie de vivre and passion and I have to admire it.

I am not one who enjoys having political arguments, I prefer to listen to people I disagree with to try and learn about why they have come to their conclusions. Tall Kelly is very liberal, also very well read and informed. I have learned a lot from her and enjoy talking about politics with her.

I am happy that people protest and rally about things they believe in. It is part of what make America such a beautiful place. Complacency is easy and lazy. Speaking up and trying to make change is very hard and not for the mild mannered.

for frame of reference there are three Kelly's, tall Kelly is the pretty liberal, Hot Kelli is the fashionista and then me, short Kelly the nerdy one with the big yapper.

Get your head out of your ass

I live in an upper class suburbia. We are famous for two things now. Being the start of the Boston Marathon and the Neil Entwhistle murders. The case was especially hard for me because my daughter was the exact same age as the poor baby girl who was killed.It haunted me and I refused to watch any TV coverage about it.

I have to be honest, I have always felt like a visitor in my town for a number of reasons.The behavior displayed after these murders really gave me clarity as to why I dislike this town. At the market I heard "Well, they just moved here, they are not really from here". The local free papers pretended IT NEVER HAPPENED. Seriously they made mention once of the fact they did not want to talk about it.I wrote a letter a few years back to this same paper bitching about how the town overspends and then bullies us into overrides by saying 911 may not be as readily available if we vote no. I compared it to being sweet talked by Tony Soprano about an offer I can't refuse.

Not only did they NOT print the letter I had a message on my answering machine saying " I did not understand the repercussions or the override failing" and that was the newspaper calling me.I kept waiting for the fish wrapped in the paper to be delivered to my house.

This head in the sand mentality is not helpful. Look at Gloucester Massachusetts. 17 girls make a pact to intentionally get pregnant and help each other raise the babies?
As a parent I realize you can't possibly cover all scenarios to protect your children. That being said pregnancy, birth control and what Mom and Dad will do if you are ever so stupid or careless as to get pregnant at age 15..that should be covered, continuously, until they understand.

I knew as a teen if I came home drunk, stoned, with an F or pregnant I was dead meat.It was drilled into me every Friday before i went out. They were not trying to be my best pal, or a Dina Lohan party Mom...they told me what was expected of me. They also told me they would never disown me for these offences, but I would be in so much trouble I would wish for being disowned. Fair enough.

I see the permissive celebrity culture filtering into my New England. We need a quick injection of common sense and accountability stat!

Coolest Boy ever!

We decided Celtic green hair was the way to go today.

It is SO GOOD TO LIVE IN BOSTON, SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!

Sex and Science

I just finished reading BONK The curious coupling of science and sex. I love Mary Roach she is exhaustive in her research and impossible to embarrass. She is also hysterically funny. Mixing humor and science really needs to be done more often. It certainly helps people like me who love science but have short attention spans.

Here are some factoids to ponder:

Masters and Johnson created a penis cam to document physiological changes in the woman's body during sex. You can even buy them, they are called PPV.

The ads from the early 1900 for vibrators are fascinating. I plan on collecting them now. The term hysteria as you may already know was coined for women in the Victorian era who were widowed and thought to be on the way to crazy town if they did not have orgasms.The therapy was administered by midwifes and doctors.

The book also reveals that during sex, afflictions such as stuttering and CP are quieted or shut off for that time. The human body so bent on procreation seems to cure all ills during sex.

I don't want to spoil all of your fun, you have to read this book!

That thong th thong thong thong

From associated press:
Los Angeles woman claims she was injured by her Victoria's Secret thong, prompting her to sue the underwear manufacturer.

The plaintiff in the case, Macrida Patterson, 52, attributed the May 2007 injury to a Victoria's Secret "low-rise v-string," according to a court document posted on The Smoking Gun.

Patterson's lawyer told The Smoking Gun that a "design problem" caused a decorative metallic piece on the underwear to fly up and hit Patterson in the eye while she was putting the underwear on.

Patterson's product liability lawsuit was filed in Los Angeles Superior Court last week.

The Smoking Gun reported that, prior to the lawsuit, officials from Victoria's Secret had asked to see the offending underwear but were refused by Patterson's lawyer.

I realize thongs are sometimes necessary for certain pants but cmon. She is 57 and a bit heavy set. I would die of embarrassment before I put my ruebenesque ass on national tv and told the world my thong burst and hit me in the eye!

Science pick up lines

I adore these!

Add your own nerdy pick-up lines in the comments section

1. You’re like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

2. I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

3. You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

4. If I was an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

5. I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

6. Baby, you overclock my processor.

7. Be my queen and mate me with your knight moves.

8. Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

9. You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers.

10.You defragment my life.

11. Do you think we can make it a step more serious and disable network sharing?

12. You must be auxin, cause you are causing me to have rapid stem elongation.

13. Baby, let me find your nth term.

14. I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

15. Baby I’ll treat you like my homework — I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long

16. Hey baby, can I see what’s under your radical?

17. If I were an integral, I’d fill you up.

18. I’m a fermata… hold me

19. I think my heart just lagged.

20. I wish I were your second derivative so I could fill your concavities.

21. Did you just combust?? Because you’re HOT!

22. By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.

23. It doesn’t take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I would be overqualified.

24. Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call FINE PRINT!

25. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply

26. Baby, you’re a 9.999999999…but you’d be a 10 if you were with me.

27. Baby, every time I see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up

28. I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.

29. What’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you’re the 1

30. If my right leg was Christmas and my left was Easter, would you like to spend some time between the holidays?

31. You have nicer legs than an Isosceles right triangle.

32. You’re so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract. (Muscles that make you smile)

33. When you and me get together it’s like superposition of 2 waves in phase.

34. Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?

35. If I was sin^2 and you were cos^2 together we would be 1

36. You know.. it’s not the length of the vector that counts… it’s how you apply the force

37. If I move my lips half the distance to yours… and then half again… and again… etc…. would they ever meet? no? Well in this specific case I am going to disprove your assumption.

38. Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!

39. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

40. I wish I was an Ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.

41. If my right leg is the cell wall and my left the membrane, do you want to be the cytoplasm?

42. Our love is like dividing by zero…. you cannot define it

43. Let’s meet somewhere… you bring your beaker and I’ll bring my stirring rod

44. Baby let me be your integral so I can be the area under your curves

45. Hey baby, what’s your tanx cosx?

46. Let’s get together and test the spring potential of my mattress

47. Let’s discover our coefficient of friction

48. Baby, you’re so gneiss I’ll never take you for granite.

49. I less than three you….. (i < 3 you)

50. I heard you’re sin because you’re always on top when we make tangent

from site http://bloggasm.com/50-nerdy-pick-up-lines

Tuesday Observations Simple Pleasures

waking from a nap with the slider door open and smelling the fresh air and hearing the pink of wind chimes

getting an A...nothing quite like it

getting tired and sweaty after a good workout, especially when I had procrastinated and almost not done it

savoring a new book and no deadlines

the quiet rush of steam escaping from my stove top espresso pot, filling my kitchen with the smell of coffee

watching how engaging and kind my children are

Tuesday's, the only day of the week I am still long enough to reflect

What I want for my birthday

Ahem, birthday coming up in July. This is what I want.

Product Name: Model 125-LED Cordless Compound Microscope
Product ID: 125-LED

Description: Rechargeable cordless microscope - great for high schools, labs and in the field. Rugged metal construction and locked-on parts ensure durability. Superior DIN optical system and precision mechanical components assure parfocalled and parcentered optical alignment for sharp, unsurpassed viewing. Includes 3 AA rechargeable batteries and battery charger.
FREE GROUND SHIPPING ON THIS MICROSCOPE!

Objective Lenses: DIN 4x, 10x and 40xR objectives are achromatic, parfocalled, parcentered, and color coded.
Eyepieces: Widefield 10x eyepiece with revolving pointer. Accepts optional #965-160 eyepiece reticle.
Total Magnification: 40x, 100x, 400x.
Specimen Stage: Large 110mm x 120mm (4-3/8" x 4-3/4"), with locked-on, spring mounted stage slips, drilled and tapped to accept optional mechanical stage (part #911).
Focusing: Low position coarse and fine focusing, stage moves up and down, slip clutch prevents damage to focusing system. Tension adjustment eliminates stage drift.
Condenser: 0.65 NA condenser.
Illumination: LED light.
Size & Weight: 15" high, 9 lbs.
Warranty: Lifetime limited warranty, excludes bulbs, cords and recharger.
FREE ACCESSORIES: DVD "Adventures with a Microscope", Super Slide Kit and access to our password protected customer resource section of our website!

a shooting star

Amy Winehouse, so talented and original. I adore her music and I am afraid there may not be many more albums before her star burns out.

Plunging into the sun

NASA is working on a mission called Solar Probe Plus that will delve deeply into the sun's atmosphere in an attempt to answer two long-standing questions: why the sun's outer atmosphere, or corona, is about 2 million degrees Fahrenheit hotter than its surface, and why solar wind seems to have no organizing force.

Scientists hope the mission launches in 2015 Sweet!

Where have all the cowboys gone?

It looks like we are still going strong with the whole, metrosexual, uber-sexual male. Like David Beckham and even Ryan Seacrest. Primped, plucked, waxed and label conscious. These guys have primped away all the stuff I like about men.I have a few girlfriends who love Beckham and I am not blind, he is attractive, however he just doesn't do it for me.

As with most trends, this one is sure to backlash when it goes too far. I am looking forward to that day. Bring back the stubble and the football shirts, the baseball hat with the worn brim. I like the lines around your eyes and mouth that prove you laugh and go outside once in a while.Sure removing a unibrow is always a good idea but manscaping? Since when is a hairy chest a bad thing? Men do not need manicures or facials.

Even Harrison Ford who I was crushing on for years, now looks more primped and less rugged.I am tiring of this trend. Out with the Dandy's and bring back the cowboys!

On a separate note, I am also not a fan of the girl waxing her entire vag bald. I don't like it, it seems too weird to me. There should be a happy medium between 70's bush and plucked chicken.

Bird Poop Facials, only in New York!

A story on CNN.com said women are flocking to Shizuka New York for the Geisha Facial, which contains nightingale poop.
The service costs $180, about $100 more than most of the other services there.
The story said the powder contains an amino acid called guanine, which is thought to brighten skin

Seriously ladies? Are you that desperate to look better you are willing to put excrement from one of gods dirtiest animals on your face? I think you can find similar proclivities in the urban dictionary.I can't write out the term or freaks will find my blog when they google it. been there done that, lesson learned.

On a random note, I like the Urban dictionary word I brick
Apple's iPhone before activation. Refers to how useless it is when it can't do anything, and its striking resemblance to a brick.
I can't activate my iPhone, so I'm sitting at my computer crying and staring at my iBrick.

Tim Russert

I always thought he was such a cutie pie. My son used to watch meet the press with me when he was a toddler. Now Jefferson is more of a Jim Lehr guy.

I will miss Russert, blessings and love to his family.

My little cherry blossom

When the doctor held you up for me to see, your Daddy and I both said Oh my god she is HUGE! I then said you looked just like Cartman.
You got to bake under the billi lights for jaundice and you looked SO cute lying there with the eye shield on, it was like a tiny tanning bed.

You had to stay in the NICU for several days because your blood sugars were unstable (Mom's fault for being diabetic)...All the itty bitty premature babies and then you, 9 pounds 12 oz lying amidst them. You looked like the healthiest kid up there.

Jordan you are the light of my life and one of my two most proud achievements. Happy Birthday Pocket Diva

Cherry Blossoms

Autism the one liners, what to say if you want me to hurt you really bad.

A good friend of mine just found out his toddler aged son is Autistic. Not really a club I wanted to have to welcome him too. It brings back sharp memories for me and reminds me how very far we have come in accepting and embracing who Jefferson is. I saw my friend flinch when I reminded him I have an Autism Speaks logo tattooed into my skin. He is definitely not there yet.

Some of the most ignorant things ever uttered by supposed neuro-typicals:

Oh, he's like rainman then?

So he's retarded?

Can he play the piano?

Oh, one of those idiots servants or something?

Or the less obvious but still ignorant things to say:

Aww, he is not Autistic that is just the new diagnosis du jour.

Oh, Jenny Mccarthy knows how to cure Autism you know.

you are just letting him act that way.



By the way morons, he is smarter and more thoughtful and analytical than you could ever hope to be. Be nice to him he may end up being your neurosurgeon someday.

Tuesday, I am hearing voices and having chest pains...

I am not particularly money or savings conscious so it was a strange new sensation while filling my beloved jeep with gas and upon seeing the total cost I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Holy fuck!

The book selection at stop and shop is horrible! If you don't like romance novels, chick lit or weird touchy feely Chicken soup for the eczema riddled, asthmatic, divorced mom of 3 soul...you are shit out of luck.

I now have two exercise tapes staring at me from beneath their cellophane wrappers in my kitchen. They taunt me when I am cooking dinner, "cmon fat girl crack me open and lets do some kick boxing."

Shut up Billy Blanks! I am busy!

Billy stares back at me with a mix of pity and loathing.

Smaller is better extrasolarly speaking

Smaller is better because smaller planets are more likely to resemble Earth. So discovery of the smallest known extrasolar planet, announced today at the June meeting of the American Astronomical Society in St. Louis, Missouri, comes as good news. "It gives us hope of finding lots of habitable planets," says astronomer Sara Seager of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in Cambridge, who was not involved in the discovery.

It was discovered by microlensing. Microlensing monitors for subtle brightening of far distant stars as a relatively nearby star passes in front of them. The nearer star's gravity can slightly bend,or lens, the background star's light toward Earth, temporarily brightening it. If a planet circling the nearer star also lines up and bends some starlight, the network picks up a secondary brightening.

Astronomer David Bennett speaking for the consortia, announced the microlensing discovery of a planet just three times the mass of Earth. Most of the 300 or so known extrasolar planets are many times the mass of Jupiter, or thousands of times the mass of Earth. The newly discovered planet, which the team is referring to as MOA-2007-BLG-192L, orbits its star at 70% of the sun-Earth distance. That means the planet probably formed with lots of ice and gases, Bennett said, more like Neptune in composition than Earth.

Super cool!I summarized this from article http://sciencenow.sciencemag.org/cgi/content/full/2008/602/1

He flipped me for real!

The kids went away thursday and came home sunday.I did a few fun things, a few practical ones. I got my tattoo recolored because my constant sunbathing had leeched the ink out of it.

Had lots of wine with my best friend who is always able to cheer me. For us it was a pretty tame night however at one point when I was out on my deck my golden retriever inexplicably decided to ram into me, effectively flipping me, I went over him in my high heels and somehow landed all of my weight on one knee and one cheeckbone. Fuck did that hurt! I have a nice bruise on my face too, so pretty.
It always feels so sordid when best friend sneaks out of my house for work and just leaves me a note. I asked her if it feels like a walk of shame and she said it does.

Did domestic chores saturday and also squeezed in trip to girl heaven, pocketbook store. Found a nice new scent by baby phat called Goddess and saw a summer straw bag that I adore, but it costs the same as two of my science textbooks so I had to leave the poor darling behind.I will miss you and think of you often.

I tackled my new weber grill with some nice applewood chips and made burgers for dinner.I am still not good at getting the coals to catch quickly enough as I am loathe to use lighter fluid. It makes food taste like shit and I refuse to use it!My grill my rules. By then Jefferson and Jordan were home and they caught me balling up coloring book pages and tossing them into grill. "No Mom don't burn Diego and Ninjae Turtles"..Whoops.

Then I started doing my homework which involved videos of the digestive tract, right after eating a big old cheeseburger..ugh, not a good idea.

Unbeatable Banzuke

http://www.g4tv.com/unbeatablebanzuke/videos/20060/Unbeatable_Banzuke_Stilts_Walk.html


My son is obsessed with this show. It is pretty entertaining actually and I love listening to my son correctly pronounce all the Japanese contestants names. I have no idea how he does it.

Jordan

Ballet lesson

I brought my 3 year old daughter to her first ballet lesson. Sitting in the studio brought me right back to being a little girl. The pleasant squeak of the ballet shoes on the floor. The soothing tap tap tap, of each pointed toe hitting the ground.

The music geared towards toddlers had very pronounced beats and rhythms to help the girls learn how to count the music, and time their movements.Watching these tiny girls find poise and pride in how they hold their arms and feet. They were so endearing as they fluttered their skirts and hopped and galloped across the room. They looked like little foals learning to walk.

There is nothing more beautiful and feminine to me than the flutter of a woman's arm in a ballet position.It was such a reminder of a simple pleasure, dancing to music, finding your own center and learning how to move your body in a graceful way.

Organ ambulance

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24990186

This raises some interesting questions ethically. I think they will encounter a lot of resistance if they try to implement this program.

Don't mess with me or my coach bag

I just realized I have a pretty good marketable skill, I can carry a 40 pound child in one arm, a 29 pound child in the other, in high heels and not drop my coach bag. I wish I had a picture of it to prove it though. I wonder if I would be any good at Unbeatable Banzuke.

Yes I am also happy I didn't drop the children either.

I received one of those bored at work surveys that had one question I liked. What song should they play at your funeral? Not a tough one at all for me.

Brick House by the commodores

I mean if I have to die, at least play some good funk for me.

Angelina

I surprisingly do not have a girl crush on her. As an artist I am fascinated by how beautiful her features are and how well she photographs. I am also drawn to her blunt honesty and ability to be herself and not care how she is perceived by others. I feel a kinship with her in this way. She does not apologize for who she is and is guided by her own compass. I think a lot of actresses would crumble if they were scrutinized to the level that Angelina is.

I also like her tattoos because they are personal and just for her.

Goals for summer

Goals for summer:
Learn to throw a javelin
Learn a new language, or at least be able to talk dirty in another language
Read a few non medical/nursing books
quit smoking AGAIN (I quit for 7 years and started again, because I am stupid)
Go to a vineyard, have never been to one
create enough painting to have a show somewhere
be still (this will be the hardest one next to javelin)
learn to swing a gold club

Tuesday Observations

I will be sans children the entire weekend. If I am home blogging instead of having fun, it will be very sad evidence that I need a fresh air intervention.

Sometimes I don't see the writing on the wall, even when it is in bold text and flashing at me.

Even when work is really stressful I still have fun. Bravado and bullshit works wonders, as does the mute button and sign language. I work with the most amazing people and I am so greatful for them.

I had to use the handicaped bathroom stall today and even in heels can't touch the floor. it made me feel like Edith Ann..and that's the truth.phhhhhbbt.

sock monkey

I am a redhead on the inside

I am happiest when my hair is red. My family hates it red so sometimes I change it back to brown. I dunno, I think I am a readhead on the inside.

Shoegasm

from Kelly's suburban dictionary, SHOEGASM becoming sexually exited by the sight of hot overpriced shoes.

Supplement Charlatans

Trace Minerals.com an analysis of the products vs. scientific evidence

The first claim that grabs me off the bat is the one that states through soil erosion trace minerals are being taken from the soil and being swept into the sea. This now compels you to buy supplements derived from the ocean to replace these essential minerals. Here is the scare pitch:

The complexity of the mineral imbalance problem is apparent. It is apparent that our understanding of the mechanisms of mineral imbalances is fragmentary. New inter-relationships are constantly being discovered. We are presently recognizing and correcting only a small fraction of the mineral imbalance problems plaguing animals and man. 5*5.Hoekstra, W.G. Federation Proceedings. National Academy of Sciences: Washington D.C. (Sept./ Oct., 1964).

The complexity of the mineral balance problem is apparent? Mineral imbalances are plaguing animals and man? No studies to back this scary statement up. As a matter of fact no normal American that follows the Dietary guidelines for Americans has any risk of having a vitamin deficiency. The main groups of Americans that are malnourished are the obese population.

This plays into the new marketing technique of why Americans are so unhealthy. It is not because we sit all day, eat fast food and do not exercise, it is because of over aggressive farming, soils erosion and mineral imbalances. The solution is not to eat healthy foods, since trace minerals.com alleges that over use of fertilizer is robbing our foods of essential nutrients. We can blame someone else and get the quick fix solution to what ails us.

The other claim made is that if the minerals we intake do not have the proper ionic charge they cannot be properly absorbed? I spoke with Dr. John Snider M.D a medical internist and teacher at Tufts Medical School and after he stopped laughing he told me this is false and that the small intestine will absorb minerals without you worrying about how ionically charged they are. I have been unable to find any reliable medical sources indicating that this is backed up with any science.

The trace minerals once abundant in our soils are gone because of "overaggressive farming" whatever that means. The site claims synthetic fertilizers are only good for plants and are missing elements humans need. Fertilizer is fertilizer; it enriches the soil causing plants to grow. There are no scientific studies I can find linking synthetic fertilizer with less nutritious crops. Here is a quote from quack watch:

Plants convert natural fertilizers into the same chemicals that synthetic fertilizers supply. The vitamin content of a food is determined by its genetic makeup Stephen Barrett, M.D.
Victor Herbert, M.D., J.D.
The Traceminerals.com has a clever pitch, peppered with scare tactics with enough medical word thrown in to sound pseudo- intellectual, but with no real data other than the articles written by the founder Dr. Meltis who is not an MD but a Naturopath.

The phenomenon of quick fix, take a pill, blame someone else that is pervasive in our culture is a gold mine for the supplement charlatans. We are willing to spend untold mounts of money to ensure our longevity. The fact that the ads also lay the blame elsewhere is a particularly appealing marketing technique.

Estrogen overload and I liked it

So my girlfriend wanted to go see the Sex and the city movie, and I needed some good cheer and wine so I agreed to go with her with only marginal expectations.

OK, I am entering somewhat unfamiliar territory here. I am normally uninterested in chick flicks and chick lit and anything that seems to pander to women being shoe obsessed man haters. However I did watch sex and the city for the first few seasons I thought it was a riot.I did see one man in the theatre with a date, poor thing. I sincerely hope she gave him some sexual favors afterwards, that is if he could find his balls after watching this movie.

This movie was cute, kind of a long version of the show. I am well aware the fact that I drank 3 glasses of Pinot Grigio helped me tap into my girly side and like this flick. The shoes were shoe-gasmic! I love looking at stiletto's with the knowledge I would break a leg if I ever tried to wear them.There was a scene of Carrie in heels and a bra and panties in her closet and she has the most amazing bod I have ever seen.They all looked pretty good 4 years later. The clothes were over the top and fun to look at.My verdict? This is a delicious girly confection of shoes, purses, glamour and romance.

I will try to balance my chi by seeing Iron Man next weekend.

Suck it Autism

Jefferson tests in the gifted range and is now showing social skills, empathy and safety skills. Ahem,
Suck it Autism

Rachel Ray is a terrorist

From MSNBC
Dunkin' Donuts pulled a television spot featuring talk show host and Food Network personality Rachael Ray this weekend after a Fox news commentator associated it with terrorists.

In the ad, Ray is wearing a scarf that Michelle Malkin said in her nationally syndicated column resembled a kiffiyeh, Middle Eastern garb that is "popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos."

Dunkin's Senior Vice President for Communications Margie Myers issued a statement saying the scarf "was selected by a stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended.

"However, as of this past weekend, we are no longer using the online ad because the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."

In her column, Malkin also noted that it could appear at times that actor Colin Farrell, rapper Kanye West and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean have been photographed in similar scarves that were "distinctive hate couture."

I used to know everything

I used to be so sure of everything. As I get older I become less certain and more open to ideas and opinions I would have immediately rejected 15 years ago. I see this in other friends who are much younger than me, the arrogance and righteous indignation when you do not agree with them. It always makes me chuckle because that was me at one time. I wanted to save the world, and if you didn't you were an asshole.I still want to save people, only now I want to be paid a lot of money to do it. I also now recognize that some people are not capable of giving without it killing them and leaving an empty husk.

People should take the time to assess what they are good at, embrace it, revere it. Your talents are sometimes the only tools you have to survive.I have an ability to comfort people and make them laugh. It took me a long time to realize this is a talent and something I should be grateful for. I have a huge capacity to love and a lack of embarrassment in telling those I love how I feel. I have found this is actually pretty rare as my friends are sometimes astonished when I tell them I love them.

I have worked taking care of mentally challenged adults and when people would say oh, you are so good to do that, it would kind of weird me out. I enjoyed it and was good at it, end of story. These people I cared for were lovely, different and never boring. I can't say as much for a lot of mentally typical people I know.

I have held the hands of patients who were dying and I am able to do it with enough feeling to make it important, but enough distance so it does not turn me into a ball of jelly. This is my talent and my calling. I talk to people at work every day who are crying and grieving and it is so easy to give them a measure of kindness and sympathy instead of being a fucking drone and rattling off how they can cancel the account. Sometimes a small measure of kindness is the only thing that person will remember of that day.

I may not be an eloquent blogger, or a genius, but I know what I can do and I will try to become as good at it as I possibly can.

where would I be without comedy

I have been looking up jokes lately to entertain a friend and as I sift through all of the jokes and comedians I started to realize how important comedy is in my life.

My taste in comedians is always changing. As a teenager I loved Sam Kinneson's assessment of being in love is like driving your car into a brick wall at 90mph.. I also loved eddie Murphy, George Carlin and Howie Mandel.Dave Chapell is amazing and makes my stomach hurt from laughing. I have seen so may live shows in boston, many famous, some newbies. One fella I saw 12 years ago did this weird interpretation of a gay snake that I can still see when I close my eyes and it still makes me laugh.

Later I started to like Andy Kauffman, his interest in generating laughter, hatred and uncomfortable silences intrigued me. Steven wright and Mitch Hedburg also became obsessions of mine.I love jokes that cannot be told by anyone else, it makes them so much more special. You need to see the face, hear the cadence, feel the rhythm.

I often tell very bad jokes, puns to my friends and I have to admit when they roll their eyes or sigh, or yell at me, it does make me happy.They also like to forward baed jokes to me saying, Here is a Kelly joke if I ever saw one.

My friends know if they come over and I am watching Caddy Shack or best of Chris Farley that I am self-medicating. It is the fastest way for me to feel good. watch Farley hike up his pants and sloppily splash though a coffee table, go on I dare ya not to laugh.

Darth Spogebob

Bored observations

people that make me uncomfortable rarely seem to catch on to that fact, there is a balance between good eye contact and scary rabbit boiling eye contact

my new tanning salon plays really bad music

my caviar tastes are wreaking havoc with my walmart budget

if I am at a bar watching a sox game and I ask you to move your big head, I am NOT flirting with you..I am smiling so you wont feel bad about having such a big head.

I make really good art when I am under stress

Desert ipod choices

I am guessing it is passe to say desert island discs since the ipod has taken over. I have a very weird addiction to mine. It talks to me, tells me when it is bored and hungry. It speaks with a Transylvanian/Mae West accent.

I digress,the songs I MUST have in my ipod as I suntan in isolation for the rest of my life.

work it missy elliot
stigmata minstry
killing in the name rage against the machine
chocolate jesus tom waits
drown smashing pumpkins
if i aint got you alicia keys
doll parts hole
fish on primus
cherub rock smashing pumpkins
brick house the commodores
milkshake kellis
99 problems jay z
gossip folks missy elliot
girlfriend in a coma the smiths
beds too big without you the police
moon over bourbon street sting
where have all the cowboys gone paula cole
enter sandman metallica
cherish madonna
sabotage beastie boys
disintigration the cure

Something so wrong feels so right

Now that I have your attention, I am referring to Hillary Clinton stepping knee deep into a swamp of shit.I wonder if someone jabbed her with a syringe of sodium pentathol right before that statement, forcing her to vocalize her inner evil voice.

I have to take my own truth serum here, I am THRILLED to have the world see what kind of a human Hillary really is. It may be petty and bipartisan of me but whatever.
It is my blog and I can gloat if I want to.

If you love Hillary you can email me direct at bitemydutchass.com

Fear

Fear is such a small word when it encompasses so many feelings. Fear and grief climb and wind their way through your belly, burning and churning with bile. Hands and feet go numb and clumsy. Fear takes away logic and gravity..stumbling for footing, or just falling to the floor for a moment.

Animals can feel and smell fear, us humans included. We sometimes try to deny the truth, shake it off but fear can be one clingy beast.

My most recent work May 2008

Beauty Myths

I watch QVC sometimes when I cook. I like the shows where they take someone and put makeup and hair products on them in like 2 minutes flat. I guess it appeals to my ADD. I am annoyed by how they are allowed to lie to sell their products though.

A lady hawking hair wax was saying that if you shave your legs the hair grows back thicker and more hairs will appear. This is totally wrong. When you cut a hair at the follicle you just make the hair shorter, it does not change the follicle at all.It looks thick when it grows in because of the angle the razor slices the hair.

Scientists have studied the moisturizers that you can buy at the drugstore to use on your face compared to the 100 dollar and ounce stuff you can but at a department store and found they both work about the same. The moisture and barrier are good for your skin and it really does not need to contain goat sperm or placentas or any of that other nasty stuff.

The best foot treatment in the world is putting Vaseline all over your feet and sleeping in a clean pair of cotton socks. I defy anyone to come up with a better cheaper way to get soft tootsies.

And you sir are no Tom Waits

I have known for over a year that the actress Scarlett Johanssen was making a Tom Waits cover album. Whenever a friend would bring the subject up to me I would feel my left eye start to twitch.

I have to admit a part of me admired the fact that she was into Waits, and a small part of me wanted her to really surprised me.Alas that was not to be. I forced myself to listen to 4 songs on this album and words cannot describe how fucking horrible they are. They are very over-produced and fake sounding vocals.What I adore about Tom is his gritty raw voice, his vaudevillian comedy and his sweet pathos in songs like house where nobody lives.

To take the feeling out of a Waits song and put a tinny Cher-esque synthesised voice in its place is like removing the heart right out of each song. It turns a bourbon soaked steak into a fat free potato chip.

That just leaves you with indigestion.

Ugo da Carpi

Envy Chased from the temple of the muses

Genetically Modified Wine

http://www.organicconsumers.org/articles/article_3682.cfm

I do not want them messing with my vino. Genetically Modified tomatoes taste horrible, I have to try and grow my own heirloom tomato seeds this summer and I suck at gardening.I highly doubt I can make my own wine.

It is so interesting to me that plants and some bugs have more genomes than humans.I know bugs have a lot of junk DNA but still interesting that they are more complex than we are.We really need to stop messing with food genes that we are still trying to understand. Junk science is a very dangerous and profitable industry.

If we keep messing with mutation and selection what is going to happen to the worlds food crops? Everything will become homogenized and lame.Plus there are no long term studies about gene jumping from genetically modified foods into people and other foods growing nearby.This stuff creeps me the hell out.

Shut Up!

Cutest bathing suit ever,
come to Mamma!

Why I love Jennysylvania

http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2008/05/broadcast-news.html

In describing her meeting with Candace Bushnell...And one of is batshit, bugfuck, ham-sandwich crazy and it isn't me.

I love Jenn Lancaster!Nobody does a funny, vulgar witty mean clusterfuck like this girl.

Solar Powered Bra

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24647504/from/ET/wid/18298287/?GT1=45002

That is pretty funny. Finally I have a use for what genetics gave me. I bet I could create enough energy to run my entire house off of my bra!

Toxins

Last week my lab partner and I did a power point on environmental toxins and came across this web site.http://www.cosmeticdatabase.com

Pretty much all the Garnier and Loreal products I use are scored at the worst level of toxins.It may explain why I am such a mutant. Seriously,I am currently reading Growing Up Green by Deidre Imus and it is a great book that I plan to buy for every expectant Mom in my life.She gives great info on everything from mercury,vaccine schedules to homeopathic remedies and how to green clean your home and child's school.

I believe there are both genetic and environmental links to the enormous increase in Autism. When people ask me my opinion I explain it like a big slot machine..when you line up certain genetic predisposition with some environmental influences and you get those three cherries in a row, Poof! You have the pervasive developmental delay spectrum.

Deidre is not focused on autism but more childhood cancer and anything else that may be exacerbated by ennviornmental toxins.
http://www.dienviro.com/index.aspx

Explaining death to a 5 year old

Once you become a parent death takes on some new meanings. I think it is the first time I felt any truth in the statement I would die for my child.My son upon losing one of his pet crabs asked me about death. He said, "will everyone die?" I said yes,he said, "No! I do not want them to". I told him that neither do I but that death is a part of life and is a normal and natural thing. We do not like it but it will happen. I told him that I hope all people that die get to be together, I did not give him the crab heaven bit and he was accepting of this explanation as I though he would be. He prefers an answer even if it is not the answer he wants.

I was talking with my friend last night about death and what we believe and even with our combined catholic educations neither of us are religious. Spiritual maybe, but not religious. I have felt the real presence of people I love that are gone, I believe in their love lasting forever. It does comfort me and usurps most of the fears I have about no god and no heaven. Whatever it is and wherever they go, I seem to be able to summon the faces, the laugh and the thoughts of a recently passed loved one. This is why I think people are stronger than the bodies they are born into.I think the gift they give to you when they go is too surround you with their energy so you can breathe it in when you need it.

Autism and Music

Using Music To Explore The Neural Bases Of Emotional 'Processing' In The Autistic Brain
ScienceDaily (2008-05-14) -- Researchers will use music as a tool to explore the ability of children with ASD to identify emotions in musical excerpts and facial expressions. ... > read full article

I have always found music as a great non threatening way to teach about emotions and feelings for my son. When Jefferson was about four he said to me, Mom, do you know what crescendo is? I said I believe it is when the music goes up and down, he said yes Mom that's right. As usual I have no idea how he knows what a crescendo is but I am nonpulssed by his little pockets of knowlege by now.

If Jefferson likes a certain band I can play it very loudly and he does not mind. Some rock music seems to stress him out but he likes melodies and soothing voices. He digs Sade and Toni Braxton and Alicia keys. You can listen to music and feel it and you do not have to make eye contact with anybody to share it. You can close your eyes and even wear headphones. On the rare occasion that Jefferson is bothered by very loud noises I just let him wear my ipod, he is immediately quieted. I will be very interested in and developments of therapies for Autism that involve music.

This year I am truley bouyed by all of the new media attention and demands for answers to help our children be accepted and understood in this world.