Estrogen overload and I liked it

So my girlfriend wanted to go see the Sex and the city movie, and I needed some good cheer and wine so I agreed to go with her with only marginal expectations.

OK, I am entering somewhat unfamiliar territory here. I am normally uninterested in chick flicks and chick lit and anything that seems to pander to women being shoe obsessed man haters. However I did watch sex and the city for the first few seasons I thought it was a riot.I did see one man in the theatre with a date, poor thing. I sincerely hope she gave him some sexual favors afterwards, that is if he could find his balls after watching this movie.

This movie was cute, kind of a long version of the show. I am well aware the fact that I drank 3 glasses of Pinot Grigio helped me tap into my girly side and like this flick. The shoes were shoe-gasmic! I love looking at stiletto's with the knowledge I would break a leg if I ever tried to wear them.There was a scene of Carrie in heels and a bra and panties in her closet and she has the most amazing bod I have ever seen.They all looked pretty good 4 years later. The clothes were over the top and fun to look at.My verdict? This is a delicious girly confection of shoes, purses, glamour and romance.

I will try to balance my chi by seeing Iron Man next weekend.

Suck it Autism

Jefferson tests in the gifted range and is now showing social skills, empathy and safety skills. Ahem,
Suck it Autism

Rachel Ray is a terrorist

From MSNBC
Dunkin' Donuts pulled a television spot featuring talk show host and Food Network personality Rachael Ray this weekend after a Fox news commentator associated it with terrorists.

In the ad, Ray is wearing a scarf that Michelle Malkin said in her nationally syndicated column resembled a kiffiyeh, Middle Eastern garb that is "popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos."

Dunkin's Senior Vice President for Communications Margie Myers issued a statement saying the scarf "was selected by a stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended.

"However, as of this past weekend, we are no longer using the online ad because the possibility of misperception detracted from its original intention to promote our iced coffee."

In her column, Malkin also noted that it could appear at times that actor Colin Farrell, rapper Kanye West and Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean have been photographed in similar scarves that were "distinctive hate couture."

I used to know everything

I used to be so sure of everything. As I get older I become less certain and more open to ideas and opinions I would have immediately rejected 15 years ago. I see this in other friends who are much younger than me, the arrogance and righteous indignation when you do not agree with them. It always makes me chuckle because that was me at one time. I wanted to save the world, and if you didn't you were an asshole.I still want to save people, only now I want to be paid a lot of money to do it. I also now recognize that some people are not capable of giving without it killing them and leaving an empty husk.

People should take the time to assess what they are good at, embrace it, revere it. Your talents are sometimes the only tools you have to survive.I have an ability to comfort people and make them laugh. It took me a long time to realize this is a talent and something I should be grateful for. I have a huge capacity to love and a lack of embarrassment in telling those I love how I feel. I have found this is actually pretty rare as my friends are sometimes astonished when I tell them I love them.

I have worked taking care of mentally challenged adults and when people would say oh, you are so good to do that, it would kind of weird me out. I enjoyed it and was good at it, end of story. These people I cared for were lovely, different and never boring. I can't say as much for a lot of mentally typical people I know.

I have held the hands of patients who were dying and I am able to do it with enough feeling to make it important, but enough distance so it does not turn me into a ball of jelly. This is my talent and my calling. I talk to people at work every day who are crying and grieving and it is so easy to give them a measure of kindness and sympathy instead of being a fucking drone and rattling off how they can cancel the account. Sometimes a small measure of kindness is the only thing that person will remember of that day.

I may not be an eloquent blogger, or a genius, but I know what I can do and I will try to become as good at it as I possibly can.

where would I be without comedy

I have been looking up jokes lately to entertain a friend and as I sift through all of the jokes and comedians I started to realize how important comedy is in my life.

My taste in comedians is always changing. As a teenager I loved Sam Kinneson's assessment of being in love is like driving your car into a brick wall at 90mph.. I also loved eddie Murphy, George Carlin and Howie Mandel.Dave Chapell is amazing and makes my stomach hurt from laughing. I have seen so may live shows in boston, many famous, some newbies. One fella I saw 12 years ago did this weird interpretation of a gay snake that I can still see when I close my eyes and it still makes me laugh.

Later I started to like Andy Kauffman, his interest in generating laughter, hatred and uncomfortable silences intrigued me. Steven wright and Mitch Hedburg also became obsessions of mine.I love jokes that cannot be told by anyone else, it makes them so much more special. You need to see the face, hear the cadence, feel the rhythm.

I often tell very bad jokes, puns to my friends and I have to admit when they roll their eyes or sigh, or yell at me, it does make me happy.They also like to forward baed jokes to me saying, Here is a Kelly joke if I ever saw one.

My friends know if they come over and I am watching Caddy Shack or best of Chris Farley that I am self-medicating. It is the fastest way for me to feel good. watch Farley hike up his pants and sloppily splash though a coffee table, go on I dare ya not to laugh.

Darth Spogebob

Bored observations

people that make me uncomfortable rarely seem to catch on to that fact, there is a balance between good eye contact and scary rabbit boiling eye contact

my new tanning salon plays really bad music

my caviar tastes are wreaking havoc with my walmart budget

if I am at a bar watching a sox game and I ask you to move your big head, I am NOT flirting with you..I am smiling so you wont feel bad about having such a big head.

I make really good art when I am under stress

Desert ipod choices

I am guessing it is passe to say desert island discs since the ipod has taken over. I have a very weird addiction to mine. It talks to me, tells me when it is bored and hungry. It speaks with a Transylvanian/Mae West accent.

I digress,the songs I MUST have in my ipod as I suntan in isolation for the rest of my life.

work it missy elliot
stigmata minstry
killing in the name rage against the machine
chocolate jesus tom waits
drown smashing pumpkins
if i aint got you alicia keys
doll parts hole
fish on primus
cherub rock smashing pumpkins
brick house the commodores
milkshake kellis
99 problems jay z
gossip folks missy elliot
girlfriend in a coma the smiths
beds too big without you the police
moon over bourbon street sting
where have all the cowboys gone paula cole
enter sandman metallica
cherish madonna
sabotage beastie boys
disintigration the cure

Something so wrong feels so right

Now that I have your attention, I am referring to Hillary Clinton stepping knee deep into a swamp of shit.I wonder if someone jabbed her with a syringe of sodium pentathol right before that statement, forcing her to vocalize her inner evil voice.

I have to take my own truth serum here, I am THRILLED to have the world see what kind of a human Hillary really is. It may be petty and bipartisan of me but whatever.
It is my blog and I can gloat if I want to.

If you love Hillary you can email me direct at bitemydutchass.com

Fear

Fear is such a small word when it encompasses so many feelings. Fear and grief climb and wind their way through your belly, burning and churning with bile. Hands and feet go numb and clumsy. Fear takes away logic and gravity..stumbling for footing, or just falling to the floor for a moment.

Animals can feel and smell fear, us humans included. We sometimes try to deny the truth, shake it off but fear can be one clingy beast.

My most recent work May 2008

Beauty Myths

I watch QVC sometimes when I cook. I like the shows where they take someone and put makeup and hair products on them in like 2 minutes flat. I guess it appeals to my ADD. I am annoyed by how they are allowed to lie to sell their products though.

A lady hawking hair wax was saying that if you shave your legs the hair grows back thicker and more hairs will appear. This is totally wrong. When you cut a hair at the follicle you just make the hair shorter, it does not change the follicle at all.It looks thick when it grows in because of the angle the razor slices the hair.

Scientists have studied the moisturizers that you can buy at the drugstore to use on your face compared to the 100 dollar and ounce stuff you can but at a department store and found they both work about the same. The moisture and barrier are good for your skin and it really does not need to contain goat sperm or placentas or any of that other nasty stuff.

The best foot treatment in the world is putting Vaseline all over your feet and sleeping in a clean pair of cotton socks. I defy anyone to come up with a better cheaper way to get soft tootsies.

And you sir are no Tom Waits

I have known for over a year that the actress Scarlett Johanssen was making a Tom Waits cover album. Whenever a friend would bring the subject up to me I would feel my left eye start to twitch.

I have to admit a part of me admired the fact that she was into Waits, and a small part of me wanted her to really surprised me.Alas that was not to be. I forced myself to listen to 4 songs on this album and words cannot describe how fucking horrible they are. They are very over-produced and fake sounding vocals.What I adore about Tom is his gritty raw voice, his vaudevillian comedy and his sweet pathos in songs like house where nobody lives.

To take the feeling out of a Waits song and put a tinny Cher-esque synthesised voice in its place is like removing the heart right out of each song. It turns a bourbon soaked steak into a fat free potato chip.

That just leaves you with indigestion.

Ugo da Carpi

Envy Chased from the temple of the muses

Genetically Modified Wine

http://www.organicconsumers.org/articles/article_3682.cfm

I do not want them messing with my vino. Genetically Modified tomatoes taste horrible, I have to try and grow my own heirloom tomato seeds this summer and I suck at gardening.I highly doubt I can make my own wine.

It is so interesting to me that plants and some bugs have more genomes than humans.I know bugs have a lot of junk DNA but still interesting that they are more complex than we are.We really need to stop messing with food genes that we are still trying to understand. Junk science is a very dangerous and profitable industry.

If we keep messing with mutation and selection what is going to happen to the worlds food crops? Everything will become homogenized and lame.Plus there are no long term studies about gene jumping from genetically modified foods into people and other foods growing nearby.This stuff creeps me the hell out.

Shut Up!

Cutest bathing suit ever,
come to Mamma!

Why I love Jennysylvania

http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2008/05/broadcast-news.html

In describing her meeting with Candace Bushnell...And one of is batshit, bugfuck, ham-sandwich crazy and it isn't me.

I love Jenn Lancaster!Nobody does a funny, vulgar witty mean clusterfuck like this girl.

Solar Powered Bra

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24647504/from/ET/wid/18298287/?GT1=45002

That is pretty funny. Finally I have a use for what genetics gave me. I bet I could create enough energy to run my entire house off of my bra!

Toxins

Last week my lab partner and I did a power point on environmental toxins and came across this web site.http://www.cosmeticdatabase.com

Pretty much all the Garnier and Loreal products I use are scored at the worst level of toxins.It may explain why I am such a mutant. Seriously,I am currently reading Growing Up Green by Deidre Imus and it is a great book that I plan to buy for every expectant Mom in my life.She gives great info on everything from mercury,vaccine schedules to homeopathic remedies and how to green clean your home and child's school.

I believe there are both genetic and environmental links to the enormous increase in Autism. When people ask me my opinion I explain it like a big slot machine..when you line up certain genetic predisposition with some environmental influences and you get those three cherries in a row, Poof! You have the pervasive developmental delay spectrum.

Deidre is not focused on autism but more childhood cancer and anything else that may be exacerbated by ennviornmental toxins.
http://www.dienviro.com/index.aspx

Explaining death to a 5 year old

Once you become a parent death takes on some new meanings. I think it is the first time I felt any truth in the statement I would die for my child.My son upon losing one of his pet crabs asked me about death. He said, "will everyone die?" I said yes,he said, "No! I do not want them to". I told him that neither do I but that death is a part of life and is a normal and natural thing. We do not like it but it will happen. I told him that I hope all people that die get to be together, I did not give him the crab heaven bit and he was accepting of this explanation as I though he would be. He prefers an answer even if it is not the answer he wants.

I was talking with my friend last night about death and what we believe and even with our combined catholic educations neither of us are religious. Spiritual maybe, but not religious. I have felt the real presence of people I love that are gone, I believe in their love lasting forever. It does comfort me and usurps most of the fears I have about no god and no heaven. Whatever it is and wherever they go, I seem to be able to summon the faces, the laugh and the thoughts of a recently passed loved one. This is why I think people are stronger than the bodies they are born into.I think the gift they give to you when they go is too surround you with their energy so you can breathe it in when you need it.

Autism and Music

Using Music To Explore The Neural Bases Of Emotional 'Processing' In The Autistic Brain
ScienceDaily (2008-05-14) -- Researchers will use music as a tool to explore the ability of children with ASD to identify emotions in musical excerpts and facial expressions. ... > read full article

I have always found music as a great non threatening way to teach about emotions and feelings for my son. When Jefferson was about four he said to me, Mom, do you know what crescendo is? I said I believe it is when the music goes up and down, he said yes Mom that's right. As usual I have no idea how he knows what a crescendo is but I am nonpulssed by his little pockets of knowlege by now.

If Jefferson likes a certain band I can play it very loudly and he does not mind. Some rock music seems to stress him out but he likes melodies and soothing voices. He digs Sade and Toni Braxton and Alicia keys. You can listen to music and feel it and you do not have to make eye contact with anybody to share it. You can close your eyes and even wear headphones. On the rare occasion that Jefferson is bothered by very loud noises I just let him wear my ipod, he is immediately quieted. I will be very interested in and developments of therapies for Autism that involve music.

This year I am truley bouyed by all of the new media attention and demands for answers to help our children be accepted and understood in this world.

Ba ba ba ba ba barino

Good Company

After final exams I went to dinner at La Cantina with my lab partner Rachel. I have known her for a whole semester now but we are usually so busy we can't small talk when we meet to study. We both have toddlers and full time jobs and school.


It was a great night with delicious homestyle Italian food, some good Pinot Noir and a reaffirmation that I can always make room for one more interesting and engaging person in my life.

People are so twacked

http://www.cuddleparty.com/ I heard about this on the radio this morning. I think it is revolting!

I would rather go to a barefoot walk on scorpions party than a Cuddle Party.

Liver and onions I will miss you

As I study the cardiovascular system and organs I have learned things about the liver organ. The liver is basically a giant filter. I did already know this but seeing the actual photos and movies has made it so much more vivid.


I love Pate, Liver and Onions and Foie Gras, but I may have to bid them adieu. I am not sure I can enjoy it the same way without feeling like I am eating the equivalent of the filter in my aquarium.


The same goes for high fat food, there is nothing like actually seeing a doctor pull a giant rope of fat out of a clogged artery to make you reconsider your double cheeseburger.

Hallmark The Ambivalent Section

I was discussing with a friend of mine yesterday how hard it is to buy a card for someone and all of the options are way too gushy, mushy and over the top. I am uncomfortable buying a card for someone that pledges unconditional love. I know I sound jaded, but unconditional?

I think there should be a line of cards labelled lukewarm, ambivalent, obligated, Like but not love.

Happy Mothers Day

Thanks for bringing me light and joy every day.

Old Mother Hubbard

ttp://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24537885&GT1=43001

This lady is pregnant with her 18th child.Whenever I see this family on tv all I can hear is Andrew Dice Clay saying his old Mother Hubbard Limerick. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children her uterus fell out.

She is always smiling too. I can barely handle two children. Eighteen fucking children? How do you spend quality time with 18 children?

Yeah, this is my mothers day post. I know, I am so sentimental. Bite me.

For people who can't afford the Gap

I think the slogan for Old Navy should be "For people who can't afford the Gap". I am not clothing obsessed, I generally stick with what I would consider middle class designers like Liz Clairborne , Gap and occasionally Talbots.I do like to browse at Donna Karen , Sigrid Olsen (who is a fellow Monsterrat Alum I must brag)and Ralph Lauren and Brooks Brothers but I never buy there, I can't justify my income to their price ratio. This year I have had to get more creative about where and what I can buy.

I have basically had to replace my entire wardrobe twice in the past two years due to weight loss and it has been a real challenge.I am starting to really like Old Navy. The people that work there are actually happy and friendly (see previous rants about the douche bags at Abacrombie and Pretentiousness). They don't care if your kids sing Somewhere Beyond the Sea at top volume.The clothes are cute and they have a huge selection. They even carry plus sized and petties, I have the annoying luck to need tiny pants and humongous shirts.They are not as well made as the gap stuff but are decent.

Target has cute kid clothes and gross adult stuff, Walmart is just, well too Walmarty.For the longest time I refused to donate my old Liz Clairborne suits even though they were about 5 sizes too big. They were beautiful and I worked my ass off to buy them. I felt like a real grownup when I wore them too. My mother in law literally had to come help nudge me into finally getting all those clothes together.

I really do not have any suits now and it will probably be another year or two before I can purchase a nice one. I have decided I really do not need to dress like a grownup anymore, dressing like me is a lot easier on the wallet. Plus my main work wardrobe will soon be scrubs and Birkenstocks! I cannot wait.

My Daddy's ipod

Since I was very small I have been exposed to a lot of music. I remember hearing Stevie Wonder and Tom Waits and dancing with my little sister in the den. I have a huge interest in music and my stereo, ipod and even sometimes my record player are always running. I have a huge vinyl collection of cheesy 80's music.

I am very skatty and lose stuff all the time. I lost my ipod nano and was so bummed out. My dad gave me his ipod and it is preloaded with almost 2000 songs.
It has been so fun listening to it, his music choices are so similar to mine. The eclectic jumps we both take from Rage Against the Machine to Sublime to Bob Dylan, then the Beach Boys Pet sounds over to Rascal Flatts. I am always amazed when people dismiss and entire genre of music "Oh country sucks" because there are so many similar veins that tie the music together.

When I hear certain albums I am immediately transported back to the first time I heard it. Foreigner's waiting for a girl like you, I was in the bathtub playing with my sea wea dolls.
Rolling Stones Sticky Fingers...I remember listening to it as a toddler and playing with the real zipper on the album cover. I remember listening to Supertramp Breakfast in America on a big clunky 8 track. First kiss-Bullet the blue sky, lost virginity- The Cure Disintegration

I want to now set up an ipod swap program so I can hear other peoples life story broken into 3 minutes bites!

Lolitta? Or are americans completely hypocritical

What is the big deal here? This picture is beautiful. She is totally covered up and her parents were at the shoot. The shoot was done by Anne Leibowitz.

Are we Americans now so pathetic that we cast stones at any teen star when they start becoming sexual?

I wonder if we had more accepted nudity here if Americans would chill out a bit. I mean god forbid a women breastfeeding accidentally expose her nipple. Women shield their kids eyes and give dirty looks.

I think Americans place way too may taboos on the human body. As a result we seem very confused and overreact to any perceived exposure of flesh.

I have friends who panic if their kid sees them changing. What message is that sending their child?

I wonder how a culture as supposedly liberal as our can have such hypocrisy when it comes to some skin or an accidental nipple slip.

Hermit Crab Massacre

I found the grisly remains of Superman in the tank the other day. Batman decided that Superman would be delicious and ate him. I know that crabs are scavengers but eww! Gross!

Batman is now hiding in the corner of his tank, waiting for me to plop a new tasty roommate into his lair. I think I will give him a nice dish of bernaise sauce to go with the next victim. I imagine his voice to sound like plankton from spongebob square pants, drooling for a crusty crabbie patty

Salman Rushdie how do you do it?

When I found out Salman's super hot wife left him I felt bad for him. He is such a hobbit. Then I saw a pic of his new girlfriend.

How the hell does he do that? Either a 10 inch penis or his ability to wax poetic, I dunno.

Abortion as Art

When I first heard about this exhibit I was so angry that I knew I could not be objective about it. As a woman who tried for very many years to have children, seeing someone intentionally induce and lose multiple pregnancies hits me deep inside.

This article however is much more successful than I am at analyzing the art vs shock and has some great information.

Art Aimed to Shock
Yale's abortion artist is the latest to try—and fail—to start a conversation.
Jennie Yabroff
NEWSWEEK
Updated: 1:54 PM ET Apr 26, 2008
A German artist wants to install a terminally ill patient in a gallery as an exhibit. In Nicaragua last year, an artist displayed a starving dog, tethered just out of reach of food, as conceptual art. In New Haven, Conn., an artist claims to have made multiple attempts to impregnate herself and then induce miscarriages as a work of art. All these artists say their projects are intended to start conversations. But apart from all the shouting about indecency and insensitivity, are any ideas actually being exchanged?
When Gregor Schneider, who previously installed sunbathers in cages on an Australian beach, announced his search for dying patients, gallery owners were quick to say they would refuse the exhibit. Meanwhile, animal-rights activists are demanding that Costa Rican artist Guillermo Vargas be banned from the upcoming Central American Biennial art exhibition after Vargas displayed the dog tied up in a Nicaraguan gallery. And last week Yale administrators banned senior Aliza Shvarts's induced-miscarriages exhibit, which includes sheeting smeared with what she says is her blood, unless she admits it was a hoax.
Shvarts has refused to talk to the media, with the exception of a statement in the Yale Daily News, in which she wrote, "for me, the most poignant aspect of this representation … is the impossibility of accurately identifying the resulting blood." According to Shvarts, because it would be unclear if the blood in the work was the result of a miscarriage or her menstrual cycle, the piece is ultimately about the narrative she has constructed. (Doctors have pointed out, however, that blood samples could be tested for pregnancy hormones.) Feminist artists such as Judy Chicago and Ana Mendieta have long used blood as a medium; performance artists (Chris Burden, Marina Abramovic) have manipulated their bodies in the name of art. However, Shvarts's coy refusals to verify how much, if any, of the project actually took place aligns her more with conceptual provocateurs such as Vargas and Schneider.
When word of Shvarts's piece spread earlier this month, both pro-choice and pro-life groups denounced the work. But now that Yale has banned the piece, some critics have taken up Shvarts's cause as a free-speech issue. In the Yale Daily News, art lecturer Seth Kim-Cohen wrote "the University has decided not to allow the rest of us to make up our own minds. I am considerably more troubled by their action than by hers."
If galleries do refuse to show Schneider's work, or the Biennial bans Vargas, the art community will most likely defend them in similar fashion. These controversies highlight the problem with art as a means toward fostering conversation—the resulting discourse is rarely about the artist's stated topic, or even about art. What constitutes free speech is always an important conversation, but it is unclear what the Shvarts controversy adds. Andres Serrano's "Piss Christ," which depicts a crucifix submerged in urine, was condemned by Jesse Helms; Rudy Giuliani tried to shut down a museum show that included Chris Ofili's painting "The Holy Virgin Mary," which incorporated elephant dung. In both cases, supporters asserted the artists' rights to freedom of expression trumped the relative artistic merits of the work. As wrongheaded and unsubtle as Shvarts's piece may be, Yale comes out as a censoring bully. The real loser, though, is an already art-averse public, who will doubtless take the Shvarts saga as proof that all an aspiring artist need do for celebrity is create a piece offensive enough to be banned by an institution.
More important, there are real topics that get lost amid all the hand-wringing about indecency. Earlier this month Italian artist Pippa Bacca began hitchhiking from Italy to the Middle East wearing a wedding dress, for a work intended to foster "marriage between different peoples and nations." Bacca was picked up by a trucker in Turkey, who raped and strangled her, then dumped her naked body. The conversation Bacca wanted to inspire about international unity has been overshadowed by her death, underscoring the difficulty for any artist to dictate the terms of discourse about a work. But even if it wasn't the conversation Bacca intended, the question of why a woman still cannot travel alone safely in much of the world seems a more valuable topic of discussion than whether a college student lied about her menstrual cycle.


URL: http://www.newsweek.com/id/134309